Church bulletin bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Bertha Belch,a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Paul’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:30 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7:00 P.M. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00 A.M.. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the B.S. is done.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

The associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

Smile, life is too short not to SMILE !!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here